Understanding Incels

If you've been watching Netflix’s Adolescence and are trying to grasp the weight of the term "incel," you’re not alone. The word is often tied to news stories of violence and extremism, but there’s a much bigger conversation we need to have. One that isn’t driven by fear but by reality. Watching it, I felt sick. Not just because of what unfolded on screen but because I was so triggered as I have seen and experienced these behaviours firsthand from children. Children under 13, some as young as 10. Late last year, I recorded myself sobbing after witnessing this exact behaviour. A raw, unfiltered heartbreak caught on film and shared online over what’s happening to this generation. It went viral because I wasn’t alone. Thousands of people contacted me, primarily teachers, who see the same thing and feel the same gut-wrenching fear for our kid's future. Yet... parents are buying devices to ensure kids don't feel socially isolated, or pretending this isn’t an emergency. What kids say, how they flirt, fight, cope, or collapse, it’s not random. It’s been engineered. The rage, the numbness, the warped views on sex, love, and identity? That’s not just teen angst, it’s programmed behaviour.

They’re not choosing this. It’s choosing them.

Incel rhetoric? Misogyny? Nihilism disguised as “edgy humour”? It’s not coming from some dark corner of the web....it’s right there on TikTok, YouTube, Discord. Mainstream. Normalised. Embedded in memes, lyrics, livestreams, and “relatable” content.

The algorithms didn’t just feed it to them, they trained them. Trained them to crave validation, to perform outrage, to confuse cruelty with confidence, to see intimacy as weakness, and in some cases women as enemies or trophies.

And here’s the kicker are parents are funding the whole thing?

Handing over smartphones, tablets, consoles, not out of ignorance, but fear. Fear that if their kid isn’t online, they’ll be left out. Isolated. Uncool. So they buy the iPhone, they install the apps, they turn a blind eye.....because “all the other kids have it.”

They’re not just buying access.They’re buying exposure.

No line between online and offline, just one continuous, hyper-connected reality where this poison flows 24/7. By the time a parent, teacher, or anyone else clocks the shift, the damage is already done.

This isn’t a glitch in the system.This is the system.

So what can we do about it? ....first we need to understand what we are dealing with.

"Incel" stands for involuntary celibate, a term used by specific online communities of men who feel rejected by women and believe they are doomed to a life without romantic or sexual relationships. Some incels quietly battle loneliness, but others spiral into blame, resentment, and misogyny. In the most extreme cases, their frustration manifests in radicalisation and violence.

But here’s what isn’t often talked about. Most incels are not violent extremists. They are young men drowning in loneliness, depression, and a profound lack of belonging.

What the Research Says

A groundbreaking UK government study, the largest of its kind, revealed a crucial truth. Incels need mental health support, not just counter-terrorism interventions. The research found that:

• Many incels suffer from deep depression, anxiety, and self-hatred, not just anger toward women.
  

• They feel socially isolated and struggle with self-esteem.
  

• The most significant risk factor for extremism isn’t ideology; it’s hopelessness and a sense of disconnection from the world.
  

A small fraction become radicalised, yes. But the vast majority? They are in distress. They need help. Not punishment. Not demonisation. No shame. Help.

Adolescence is already a minefield. Add social media, isolation, and toxic online spaces, and you have a recipe for a generation of boys struggling to find their place in the world. If a teen, or even a preteen, seems withdrawn, hopeless about relationships, or angry about gender issues, they might already be engaging with incel ideology.

Digital boundaries matter more than ever. Education, digital, AI and algorithmic literacy matter more than ever. We’ve been saying it for years, tech boundaries at home aren’t just about screen time. They’re about safety. Mental health. Critical thinking.

Here’s what parents can do

No Phones in Bedrooms at Night – Late-night scrolling is when kids get pulled into the internet's darkest corners. Set a household rule devices charge outside bedrooms overnight.

Regular Tech Talks – Handing a child a smartphone isn’t just giving them a device, it’s handing them the entire world. And giving the entire world access to them. Start conversations early. Keep them going.

Understand Online Codes (Emojis Matter!) – Many online groups, including incel communities, use emoji-based language to communicate in ways adults won’t recognise.

💊 (Red Pill Emoji) – "Seeing the truth" about gender dynamics, often linked to anti-feminist beliefs.

💯 (100 Emoji) – Used in the "80/20 rule" in incel theory (the idea that 80% of women only want the top 20% of men).

🫘 (Kidney Bean Emoji) – Self-identification within incel groups.

🤡 (Clown Face Emoji) – Used to mock others, often in an incel context.

💔 (Broken Heart Emoji) – Symbolizes resentment toward relationships or women.

💙 (Blue Heart Emoji) – Often used by men who feel "emotionally numb" or disconnected.

🖤 (Black Heart Emoji) – A sign of deep anger, nihilism, or rejection of mainstream society.

💜 (Purple Heart Emoji) – Sometimes used to signal lust or a desire for physical intimacy.

💛 (Yellow Heart Emoji) – Represents platonic relationships or "friend-zoning."

💚 (Green Heart Emoji) – Can indicate jealousy or bitterness about relationships.

❤️ (Red Heart Emoji) – Often used sarcastically in incel contexts to mock love or "normies" in relationships.

If you see your child using these symbols frequently, don’t panic. Ask. "Hey, I’ve noticed you use that emoji a lot. What does it mean to you?" The goal is dialogue, not shutting them down.

Keep the Conversation Open – If your son expresses frustration about dating, self-worth, or feeling "unwanted," listen. Dismissing or shaming him only pushes him further into these spaces.

Encourage Real-World Socialising – Isolation fuels incel beliefs. Help your child build confidence through hobbies, sport, group activities, and in-person friendships.

Teach Digital Awareness – Many incels are radicalised online. Help your child understand that algorithms reinforce negativity. Teach them to question what they consume.

Offer Mental Health Support – If they show signs of depression, hopelessness, or extreme frustration, professional help is critical.

Challenge Negative Beliefs – If they start expressing resentment toward women or society, ask questions. Instead of arguing, try "What makes you feel that way?" "What experiences led you to that belief?"

Avoid Judgment and Shaming – Shaming your child will not "fix" their beliefs. It will just make them hide them. Approach these conversations with curiosity, not condemnation.

This isn’t just about "dangerous men on the internet." This is about boys—kids—growing up in an online world that moves faster than their emotional development. A world that tells them they are either "winners" or "losers," and if they fall into the second category, they are doomed.

But they are not doomed. They need guidance. They need connection. They need us to show up.

The question isn’t whether your child will be exposed to these ideas. They will be.

The real question is, Will they be able to talk to you about it?

Make sure the answer is yes.